Bent on a Byline

I am writing a book. Unbelievable, I know, but I think it even has a title already. I have somewhere between 50 and 80 useable pages done.

God has done a lot of amazing things in my life. He has given me so many of the things that I really desired to have. Good friends, for instance. My college experience was particularly fruitful in the number of close, longstanding friendships I made their. People that I could still call on today and say "Hey, girl, what's up?"

God has given me the opportunity to travel to Africa twice on mission trips. I have a whole new appreciation for indoor plumbing, organized trash pickup, and mosquitos that--while certainly annoying--aren't likely to kill you with some horrid disease. To top off all that, I get to say zebra in a cool, foreign way that I picked up during my stay in South Africa.

God has also blessed me with my family. Although I spend most days complaining about how they drive me insane, I love my kids. I have more of them than I had planned, but they each are such a miracle to me. Constant reminders of God's creative work, and unending incentive to pray my way through each desperate day. My husband is a huge answer to prayer as well. When I think of the guys I wanted to marry, I cringe. I'm so glad God had a bigger, better plan for me. This guy loves me better than anyone else in the world, even if he has no idea whatsoever how to pick up his dirty socks (love you, honey!).

Despite having so many of the desires of my heart fulfilled, there is one dream left waiting. It is the one that is the oldest of them all. Long before thinking about boys, or missions, or a family of my own, I was thinking about writing. I always wrote a lot, mostly poetry. I won several cash prizes in writing contests. I got published once. Writing became an avenue for me of healing, self-expression, praise to God, and so much more. But I have yet to write a book.

I'm going out on a limb, here, by telling you this. If I keep my dream a secret, then I am the only one any wiser if it never materializes. But to put it in writing makes it real--especially if you are a writer. I am now accountable to someone else (the 4 of you who read this, anyway, lol) to pursue my dream. To chase the rainbow until it becomes reality. After all, that was the journey I intended the Alpha Pages to be. I was just interupted there for a while with a pregnancy to stay sane through...

So, if you see a few more poems on here than you're used to, or if I occasionally throw in a snippet of 'book', you'll know why. It won't be all Shakespeare, I promise. Some days I just have to process through my regular old day in print. But I need to take more days to pursue the passion God has placed in my heart. I don't need my name in lights, but I'm bent on a byline.

"But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in His name" --John 20:31

Rush to My Rescue

Rush to my rescue

a sword descending from the sky

to defeat the darkness

surrounding me

Beat back my brokenness

a shield of protection from the Sovereign

pushing away my pursuers

freeing me

Embrace my infirmity

a suit of armor from the Spirit

wrapping my wounds

creating a warrior

Hurry to help me

a swift steed from the Savior

carrying me away from my chains

releasing me

I will lift up my eyes to the hills whence cometh my help...Ps 121:1

I Don't Know How You Do It

It seems to me that this parenting thing just keeps getting harder and harder. I need maybe 20 minutes to create and post on this website, but I never seem to have that much time to spend all at once. It is rather difficult to be creative in 2 minute bursts--especially when interupted by life in the form of small children!

Between the kids, my job, the bills, and my deep desire for an adequate amount of sleep, I am being pulled in too many directions at once. It feels a bit like being emotionally drawn and quartered--although I think I'm being split into more than just four pieces. Its no wonder that the evil post-partum depression is attacking full force. I'd have to have multiple personality disorder to effectively deal with the amount of chaos in my life.

People have been telling me lately that they don't know how I do it. I asked my boss this morning if I looked as tired as I felt. Thankfully, she told me I looked fine (she was kindly overlooking the slightly disheveled hair and the fact that I wore the same pants just a day ago.) Friends and family have let it be known that if they had to live with my kids, they'd go insane. Personally, I don't know how I do it either. I just try to survive.

Actually, I don't think I'm doing it particularly well, either. My kids don't listen and I'm too tired to make them. I yell with unfortunate regularity. All I really want to do is curl up with a good book or sleep in on a Saturday, but since I can't do those things I self-medicate with large amounts of chocolate. My house looks like a disaster--and that is after I've straightened up a bit. Only FEMA needs to know what it looked like before a quick cleaning...

I'm glad that God is a loving Father. I'm very happy that He rarely yells to get my attention, and that when I deserve a time-out, He gives me a hug instead. He is more concerned about cleansing my heart than my house, and He loves me even though He knows that I turn to Cadbury Creme Eggs instead of prayer when life gets overwhelming. Amazingly enough, He never for one second regrets that He's got me for a kid. Now, if I could just be a little more like Him, maybe things around here would go a bit smoother.

"For you did not choose Me, but I chose you..." John 15:16a

Sunday Selah

I know...it isn't Sunday. Oh well!

I bow my knee
before Your grace
I lay my life
down in this place
I feel Your presence
like a cloud
Pressing down
upon me now
Your holiness
Is like a glow
Streaming from
Your heavenly throne
You call my name
and my heart leaps
Your Word a promise
Your Spirit speaks
You are so holy
I cannot stand
I fall beneath
Your mighty hand
And as I bow
my voice I raise
O Holy God
accept my praise

Seventh Week Stretch

As we approach our 7th week with the PBC, he is beginning to become a little more active. His habit of curling up into a fetal ball is becoming alternated with periods of s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g himself out. Consequently, he looks a bit longer to me.

He is also much more active. His eyes almost follow you around now, if you talk to him as you are moving. He is reaching and grabbing at things. I held up a toy in front of him the other day and he got this huge smile on his face. It seems the formula is doing more than just putting weight on him--it is enabling him to reach those other developmental milestones as well.

Mommy has been much more active this week as well. And I don't just mean the workout class and half-mile walk yesterday in the gorgeous weather. I was officially back to work this week for two half-days. On the one hand, it was a blessing. It'll be a huge relief to get a paycheck again! On the other hand, although this week went well, I'm dreading leaving him for three full days next week.

Pumping was a bit of a problem. I confess I knew it would be, and that was even before I started supplementing him. I've never had great production from the pump, but an ounce in eight hours has to be a record low. I'm not sure how much longer I'll even be able to nurse at all. Supplementing is killing my supply.

Sleeplessness is killing me too--specifically my creativity. I keep thinking that this blog has to be more than a simple journal, that I want it to be the beginning of a book project (hence the name). Still, I have barely enough brain cells to remember my kids names--a book feels like a huge reach. I guess, like the PBC, I will have to work at s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g myself in order to pursue that ambition.

Off the Edge of the World

To answer your question--yes. I did fall off the edge of the world. I have my own little world now--and it is chaos! Here is the update:

JJ is a wonder, but we have been having a few problems. Specifically, he lost a pound from his birthweight and a month later is still not back to where he started out. I had to make the painful decision to supplement his feedings instead of exclusively nursing him. The feelings of failure that this has caused is not helping my post-partum depression at all. Still, he has gained weight very nicely since he started to get more calories from the formula can. The next bridge we will have to cross looms next week when I have to leave him with the sitter to return to work.

My little princess is still fascinated with her new brother. I constantly fend off requests to "hold him, sissy hold him." Not to mention that she has decided to potty train herself. Or at least try. I, for one, am too tired to deal with the whole potty business, but since she refuses to leave her clothes on for more than 10 minutes I really have no choice. At least it will be cheaper to only have one in diapers...

My big boy is really relishing his self-appointed role of Big Brother. He has decided he is in charge of the "little kids" because he is, after all, four years old. His latest trick in helping take care of his brother is to pick him up and carry him to me when JJ cries. As you can imagine, this is NOT a good idea (although I have been impressed with his success at supporting his brother's head) but how do you tell one son that he is a danger to the other? I do my best to not freak out, and remind him not to pick the baby up.

My oldest, bless her, has been distracted by drama at school (not the class, the I'm-a-teenage-girl kind). She has also adjusted well to her new responsibility in babysitting since there are now three she must watch when I go out--which, honestly, isn't often! I'm much more likely to ask her to babysit so I can go upstairs and catch a nap. We got to go shopping tonight, just me and her, and it was nice to get to pay attention to her without the distraction of the others.

My husband and I are simply trying to pay the bills and get enough sleep. Life with four kids is a little more than we bargained for. Thankfully, we've been blessed by family and friends who support us with their prayers, presence, and occasional offers of free babysitting!

I'm still considering what direction my writings here will take now that I am no longer pregnant. In the meantime, so many of you have asked when I will return to blogging that I felt it was time to simply write something. It is, perhaps, good therapy. And I can certainly use some of that!