I want to be able to share with these angry friends, family members, coworkers that I, too, have journeyed through some pretty intense anger. What I've learned has redefined my life in ways I could never imagined. I learned that the end of the journey begins with forgiveness. Sometimes I forget, it's true. But mostly, as I watch you in the midst of your anger, I remember my time there, and the way of escape I was offered--if I dared take it.
I had every right to be angry. What I lived through, what I survived, should never happen to anybody. My secular counselors told me it was good to be mad at the person who hurt me. And it felt right, finally allowing expression after being forced to hold all that emotion back year after year as the abuse I suffered went on. There’s even some truth in what those counselors said, I did find a measure of healing there. Yet, the longer that anger lived on, the more of my self I felt dying away. I found that if you stay in all that anger, eventually it eats you up.
There’s a line between anger which is good and when that same anger takes on a life of its own and becomes destructive. Maybe you’ve heard about how Jesus got angry at the people who were selling stuff for a ridiculous mark-up at the Temple in Jerusalem and just generally turning a place of worship into a local bazaar. In His anger, He dumped over their tables and told them they were making His house a den of thieves. All this He did in righteous anger. Righteous anger, however, is not allowed to go on and on unchecked—for instance, Jesus didn’t continue to chase after them for miles as they left the place, throwing things at them and cursing them. Jesus would never let the justified anger that He felt go on too long or get out of its rightful boundary, and we must watch that we don’t either. When we finally allow ourselves to express the righteous anger we have against the hurt we have suffered at someone else's hand, it is a good and healing thing. But if you linger in that release, you will find that bitterness and unforgiveness don’t destroy the offender, they destroy you: the one left holding all that rage in her heart.
For me, these realizations took years. It wasn't fast and it wasn't easy. There were a lot of times along the way I wanted to simply give up. I alternately wanted to wrap myself up in anger like a soft blanket which would keep out the hurt or simply quit life entirely and become oblivious to the rage I felt.
There was—and sometimes still is—a whole lot of hurt to parade out in front of God and ask “Do I have to forgive him for this, too?” And it can be a day-by-day, ongoing process. It is a matter of will. I choose to forgive. I don’t feel like forgiving. I feel like hating him, like hurting him back. But I know, because I lived it, that the anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge grow like a terminal cancer that eventually destroys you.
Like me, many of you have no contact with the abuser anymore. Your anger can’t hurt him. It will wound you more than it will ever hurt your abuser. This is why God wants us to forgive: because He is in the business of mending our broken soul, and He needs that anger out of His way.
It is much easier to forgive when you are past the situation, have worked out the deepest of your anger, and stand in a place of safety. Your soul is still aching from what you have endured, but there is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Forgiveness still feels foreign and, if not impossible, then certainly unlikely. But, there is serenity in knowing that the pain you have endured has finally ended. That your body and mind are free, and now your heart only needs to follow.
Other times we face an even greater challenge. I have found that forgiveness while in the midst of relationship, and while still at risk for harm, can be a much harder calling. For instance, for a wife to forgive a husband for consistently ignoring her needs for communication or romance can create tremendous reluctance in her decision to forgive simply because that wife knows she is not immune from being ignored or overlooked again in the future. Perhaps in these situations there is an even greater imperative to choose forgiveness. After all, how can you truly live with all that fear and the anger inside of you? How can you love?
For me, it was like ice on fire to practice forgiveness. It did not belong--it was a radically different thing than I had ever done before. And it saved my life. Am I angry that I was abused, my innocence and childhood stolen away? My future forever haunted by the hounds of hatred? Yes. But am I glad that I took the hand of God and walked His path, even though it hurt? Yes--a thousand times yes.
When you are ready, dear ones, I will pray for you on that same journey. Thank you for reminding me of all that God has done and is able to do.
The Road to Forgiveness
Pain,
The sand of the soul
creating pearls of great price
Love,
The kind that sustains you
as you overcome hate
Prayer,
As you fall on your knees
to face another memory
Courage,
To forgive what everyone knows
is unforgivable
Persistence,
Because the anger and hurt
will always haunt you
Freedom,
Which awaits you with joy
at the end of this road
